So, about the other night, I did it again. I know I promised her that I wouldn’t, but I just get into these scenarios and can’t quite control myself. Promises fall through my fingers, erosions of trust, like sand slipping back out to sea in a calm and expected manner.
These sorts of things happen.
We went to a small social gathering. Sin and gin and a soft thumping baseline filled the air and she just kept looking at me. Either she could sense that I didn’t want to look like I was with her or she was just profoundly horny. Really could have been either.
Suddenly, she got irrationally mad when I didn’t want to kiss her in public. For the entirety of our almost one year affair—certainly the longest time someone has remained persistent and I have remained earnestly interested—I have been very clear about my opinions regarding PDA.
And then we got into one of those fights, drudging through the doldrums of drunk conversation: where the things that aren’t said are meant to hurt the most. Where any normal person would have perceived the pain in the air and done something about it, but I just chose not to for some reason. I guess I’ve accepted that I’m not normal.
The details are a little hazy…but don’t misunderstand me, I like her a lot and really care about her.
I have cracked.
I seem to be torn between a disdain for living down to people’s expectations and searing urge to fulfill my desires in the moment they arise. Feels like I have been lost for quite a while now, ever since I started feeling the pressure of that goddammed word we’re honestly just too young to truly mean. Does she truly mean it? Why do people throw that shit around so casually?
I love the idea of love, but thus the fledgling flees.
The first guy I had sex with that night could sniff it on me, and he pursued quite aggressively right after she stormed home alone. People are always interested, and I just have problems saying no.
The second guy I fucked in a bed that time at least (she slept hard that night, just a floor beneath us, after forcing herself to vomit and then crawling into bed with an even worse feeling in her gut, knowing I was up to no good and would do something drastic). He was just such a cute and shy and overwhelmed ginger, practically trembling in my presence...agreeing to it was never really a problem because I just knew it was going to happen by the end of the night.
We fell asleep and he rode his scooter home in the morning, she believed what I told her and that I was sorry for being weird because I really was. Sorry that I was incapable of loving her or giving her a reason why I couldn't.
My unsolicited relationship advice: If you don't want to kiss her in public, don't. If she does love you, she will forgive you. And if she can't handle you, it's probably better that she bails sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, I hope you two reach some sort of pleasant equilibrium.
I like the idea of love too. It's too vulnerable to let someone in. I'd rather be anonymous at times but it's a lonely world.
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