Everything has been a little behind lately, perpetual time lag gone awry. I haven’t slept at my apartment in days. In fact, I haven’t slept in days (which isn't too weird considering my average bed-time is around 4:30 am anyways). But when I do I have these horrifically graphic dreams about her punching me in the face (which I am told is the sign of a guilty conscience). It just seems easier to avoid her at this point (and it is so stop judging me).

“Is this really how you want things to end?” reads the passive-aggressive text that after three days of non-communication cuts through the silence with a menacing buzz on Joe’s nightstand. I fucking hate texting (unless its sexting). Joe rolls over, and I roll on out of there before he tries to be all cute and morning cuddly, ew.

Well yes, actually, things would be way simpler if this was it, if everything could just evaporate as quickly and arbitrarily as it started. After a heavy rainstorm passes, it's not as if the pavement attempts to rationalize why it got dumped all over, instead of just waiting for the water to dissipate. Pretty sure ‘feelings’ don’t entirely work that way, however. Also pretty sure anthropomorphizing a pavement doesn't do the situation justice, but you feel what I am laying out, correct?

 All my friends keep making attempts to talk to me, constantly reminding me of ‘the right thing to do’, incessantly prodding me with concerned stares and checking to see if I’m okay. Duh, I’m okay. Finally beginning to have fun again..."But you guys were so great together"

Yeah I know we were best friends. Yes I am aware I did something rather shitty to her. But does letting someone have sober sex with you multiple times translate into a stamp of ‘private property’ slapped across my forehead and a contract re-negotiation if she has buyer’s remorse? I think I’ll write her a note. Soften the blow. Hope she doesn’t punch me in the face.

What is the evolutionary function of guilt? Why are humans capable of lying, why are we so bred into it and then told it's a cause for concern when it happens? I need to Google that shit.

Fuck it

In fact, I'm feeling lucky, spontaneous even. I'm tired of thinking about it. This will be better for me, more time to write less time to fight. I'll let you know how all this plays out.