I hated seeing her devastated like that.

I asked what I could do to make things better, I really meant it. She just looked at me in disbelief. I just wanted to see her happy again. Why does her happiness depend on me, of all people? She told me that from the beginning all that she asked for from me was honesty (yeah like that was an honest statement, all that she asked for). We spent so much time together, and I was honest... for the majority of it. I told her not to fall for me. I told her that I don't do relationships. But now I'm the one that everyone hates for doing what I do, predictably. The only times I briefly suspended the truth, I just didn't want to hurt her. She told me she knew that. I thought that waiting for the right moment would make things better. Guess not. I probably could have given her more credit, if she is such a prophetess.

 She reminded me of the futility of running away from problems when you live with that person you are running from.  Did I mention that we live together? Yeah, we signed the lease before we even starting hooking up; It's a long story that now comes to quite an unsatisfying conclusion, for her.

As for me, I'm just moving on and not looking back; what's the point of looking back? Does that make me a bad person? 

I love her as a best friend, but everyone tells me that people don't treat their best friends the way I treated her. She seemed rather put together when we talked. Taking it like a champ, kinda.

She told me that she knew--that she was just waiting for the day--that I would do something like that to her. It was as if it pained her to even refer to it with a pronoun. She made me feel like a monster, looking at me with her soft blue eyes, obviously trying not to cry... as if that made her seem stronger in the situation. "I never wanted to change you, I just thought I'd be good for you."  Good for what? Oh wait, I'm a "head fuck" sorry, I forgot. I'm not like everyone else. Jesus.

This is all so convoluted and ridiculous.

"Are you trying to make all your friends lose their respect for you? Because you are doing a really fucking fantastic job."

She told me she tries to see the best in people, always. Guess that's why it took her so long to give up, give in to the fact that I would never live up to her expectations. 

Expectations, implications.

I am just trying to be myself. 

Articulating the details of this conversation is really fucking hard, it was like I was astro-projecting while awake, like my mind was trying to escape but my body was anchoring me there. We both didn't want to be there, I could tell by just looking at her, the way she wouldn't get close to physical contact with me. I purposely avoided emotional contact for the majority of our thing, and now we don't have either. It is over. Did it ever begin?

She says she wasted a year of her life.

We are still living together.

I feel bad. She has still never seen me cry.