... last night went a little something like this. Well, I mean, it went absolutely beyond something like this, the irony in my voice isn't really translating and I can't handle this in a straight forward manner. 

I mean I party hard, sometimes I romanticize a little bit and pretend the Prodigy made this video about me and I mean generally I never get violent, some play fighting here or there, but never to these levels. I'm not a violent person. I had originally meant for this to be a fun like "Smack my Bitch up" lol haha whoops jk sort of thing to express a crazy tense night with her and him and little old me all together and partying...

... But everything I've posted hitherto has been shit. 

... Complete, utter shit. 

I decided to post the video anyways because it still ties in, wait there's a surprise ending, the second I can figure out how to say it, I will but I can't say it. Words stall into one another in the crowed space between my teeth, I...

...I accidentally killed my roommate and ex-girlfriend on her birthday. In the bathroom, with a marble counter top and a little excessive force. I've never said "it was an accident" like this before...

But it was. 

I...

Abandon all hope ye who enter here. 

Smiling Faces, they Don't Tell the Truth. Little Boxes. Looking Back With Pride?.  

It's been a crazy ridiculous week, even with my sleep tank constantly running on fumes... something I should used to by now, I just have been out of my head for the past couple days and I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore.

 I guess I alienated a lot of my friends in the break-up process even though she seems to be surviving. Less sad music, a more joyful pothead to say the least and more frequent discussions of the co-workers that she finds attractive. She has even been trying to pretend to be interested in my life again, since I told her I missed having a best friend but I can tell those wounds do not need to be re-aggravated so I try not to tell her all the people that creep on me or too many details about my sex life.

So, speaking of, that list that I made (displayed below) was a sham.

I'm trying, I really am but there is that brain and need for instant gratification again. 

So I have a couple of stories to tell. For starters, the new open relationship has some constraints around it already that I've had some trouble tip-toeing around despite our distance.

One, because I fooled around with his childhood best friend. It just happened.
Two, because he is coming up to visit soon. I haven't told him.
Three, because the term and conditions of our thing stipulate that the only penis I touch ("That's so misogynistic and pathetic, doesn't that bother you?" she quipped.) is his. Girls are fair game. I'm not complaining.

I'm still a dick, the whole 'in touch and honest with my feelings' awareness has been fading in and out like a radio station set to dial I didn't pick to really listen to.

Also, I'm starting to feel uncharacteristically apprehensive about this weekend. 

Should I get her a birthday present to make up for the fact that I stupidly forget to tell her he'd be here? What does one even give to their kind-of-ex who they still share a bathroom with and have to see all the time because cheap rent is hard to find on short notice?

Like, would an assortment of different fruits be appropriate? If there is going to be a projectile thrown in my direction, I'd prefer it to have the density of a pear or something. They are pretty soft on impact and she has a mean arm when she's drunk.
 

 

The other story is that she finally unpinned the note I wrote her from the bulletin board in her room the other day knowing that he'd be here and her reminder not the relapse into her addiction was futile since I have been off peddling elsewhere. I took a picture of it for posterity--she told me it had been up for over a month and that I never noticed. I also never noticed how articulate I am: 

"List of things I am going to try to do" Excerpt from 4-17-2012-3:53AM

1) Stop being such a dick

2) Move out of New York, but first

3) Camp out in Prospect Park and buy breakfast for some of the hobos and ask them sincere questions

4) Show her that I'm sorry and I am making an effort

5) Be faithful to my boyfriend (ugh it sounds so bad) 

6) Do laundry and get a haircut, I'm starting to look janky 

Just a set I've been working on. Urban suffocation with a hint of transcendence and a dash towards  Freedom. May 2012.

“So you invited you new boyfriend to come stay the weekend of my birthday and you are just telling me now? I’m not mad, you are just so fucking inconsiderate, all the time Tyler, it’s infuriating. I’m trying so hard to be level headed about all this. Thank you for constantly confirming that you wouldn’t have been good for me.”

“I hate it when you say boyfriend like that, it’s not like that. I can tell him not to come, but he is surprising me, and I need to get laid so bad.”

“Really?”

“What?”

“Nothing. No… it’s fine. But don’t expect me to be outwardly nice. Like I don’t understand what you like about him, he’s not cute or particularly interesting… and he’s a graphic designer who works at a pizza place and lives with his parents. Sorry but if you really want to be friends I’m going to be honest.”

“You’re doing that mood swing thing again.”

“Deal with it. Not really my fault.”

“This is true. I’m a dick.”

“Yep.”

“Yep.”

“He just gets me. I’m sorrrrry.”

“You don’t do relationships. You couldn’t do a relationship with me or anyone before.”

“This is different… he’s never… here. That sounded wrong. I don’t know.”

“Don’t break him too. I give you like a month before he tells you his real feelings… and then what?”

“I’ll be nice.”


(This was one of the better conversations she and I have had in the time since I last posted… things are gradually getting better, we joke around but I’m still a head fuck and she’s still reminding me of it. She is probably right though, I’ve already been pushing the limits of this open thing a little bit but I’ll dish that dirt some other time.)

Sorry for not having written in so long…

(no I’m not)

…but my friends and I were playing a rousing game of floor hockey with a half used roll of duct tape, a spur of the moment childish game that ended badly, when suddenly my friend Chris kicked it a little furiously and it killed the screen on my gawddammed computer.

I’m not quite flush enough to fix it and to be honest the more I write the more I realize that writing seems to conflict with who I am.

I am a liver.

Not like, the organ that always dramatically fails in small children so they can suddenly appear with yellow eyes in a tense scene on some prime-time doctor show, but someone for whom thinking too intensely about the things I do really just slows me down and bums me out. I feel like I constantly complain about this but seriously, it’s as if I have ADHD or something, or maybe it’s characteristic of a distinct lack of maturity. Difficult to be sure.

I mean look at me, in the two weeks that I haven’t been chained to my keyboard, trapped inside my head, I have actually started to go out more.

And I like someone new.

Well, not particularly new since I knew him from work but new in the sense that I wasn’t planning on exploring that option and then did (and don’t regret it at all). I thought we were just going to be friends—that’s all I really wanted but then I started to get to know him and… he just understands me. Plus it’s really great because he lives in Philly and I hardly ever see him. I went to see him over the Easter weekend, met some of his family and all that, and wondered how it is that hollow chocolate bunnies are supposed to symbolize mysteriously empty caves. I just don’t get it.

Okay I lied. We are dating. I changed my status yesterday. My ex ‘liked’ it ironically. But yeah, he is a really nice guy and we are doing the open relationship thing because he knows I need my lady time... it’s working so far.